Subscribe Twitter Facebook

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Affordable Supercar Series (ASS)

If you're sensitive to explicit material, just stop reading right now because this is pure smut!  This installment of ASS presents the most hardcore of any affordable supercar.  Of course, the car in question can only be the Dodge Viper.

Introduced in 1992, the Dodge Viper set a new benchmark for American sports cars.  Its long protruding hood and pert butt had more curves than Kim Kardashian.  Just like Ms. Kardashian, this voluptuous package puts out a lot!  Try to wrap your head around a Lamborghini engineered 8.0 liter V10 with 400 horsepower and 465 lb-ft of thrust.

Actually, this car is like that college girl that every guy knows about.  After chugging some premium grade spirits, the ride is wild and uninhibited.  There aren't any electronic nannies like traction control, ABS, or stability control to reign her in.  For four years (92-96) of its life, the Viper lived carefree and topless.
Unlike those coeds that party all the time, this 19 year old can drink a lot and still perform like an All-American track star.  Although a gallon of fuel will only take her 12 miles in the city, her sprints to sixty and her quarter mile runs happened in 4.6 and 12.3 seconds, respectively.  When things get a bit sloppy, the Viper will cling for about 1g on the skidpad, too.

In 1996, a coupe version joined the drop-top as the GTS.  The old girl was a lot better with her top on, too.  She hit the gym and came back more svelte and muscular than before.  The chassis and engine dropped about 120 lbs altogether.  Those "freshman fifteen" turned into an extra 50 horsepower and those curves were accentuated in all the right places.  Her 0-60 dropped by about a half second with a tenth being dropped in the quarter mile as well.  In the slalom, the Viper could average over 70 mph while changing directions repeatedly just like a woman when it's that time of the month.
Getting a car with these good looks and performance at such an affordable price is going to be a sacrifice.  The Viper isn't the most sophisticated car or the easiest to live with day to day.  The interior is lacking and the material choices are questionable at best.  With all that said, a 2000 model can be had for under forty grand with just a bit of searching.  (use your imagination to apply the metaphor to this paragraph)

This is fine because as with any fun coed they have to settle down sooner or later.  The Viper did this in 2003 with an unimaginative restyle and a bit of civility.  It can be thought of as that cougar who still goes to clubs but should stop soon. Well 2010 came and nobody missed her at the party.  The Chrysler Group killed off its HALO car with a promise to bring it back when the company is stable enough to support the R&D costs.  With all the legislation about making ABS and stability control standard equipment in addition to Chrysler's need to sustain profitability, the next Viper might as well be called the Dodge Mom-jeans.  Many people do say that college is the best time of your life...

No comments:

Post a Comment